Pleasing God Podcast
Pleasing God Podcast
(Im)perfect Marriage: Staying Connected Amidst the Chaos
Have you ever found yourself tangled in the endless to-do lists of family and work life, wondering how to keep that spark alive in your marriage? You're not alone. Join Jonathan and Kate on a relatable exploration of the delicate balance between nurturing a strong marital bond and managing a packed schedule. We open up about the tactics that help us stay connected, like our shared podcast recordings and tech-free walks, while still juggling teaching, coaching, and the whirlwind of life's demands. With a nod to Deuteronomy, we delve into the ways we incorporate faith and teaching moments with our kids, even when the clock seems to be working against us.
But it's not just about keeping the romance alive; it's also about caring for the self within the chaos. We get real about the necessity of drawing boundaries, the art of declining excess commitments, and the understanding of our own limits. Saturday nights in our house are carved out for family before the Sunday rush, and we don't shy away from dedicating a whole month like July to recharge. We share the personal routines that sustain us, offering insights on maintaining readiness for life's significant moments, and gently remind you that self-care isn't selfish—it's vital.
Then there's the crux of all this: communication and adaptability. We talk candidly about voicing fatigue, the pitfalls of letting dialogue slip, and how a whiteboard can become your best friend in times of chaos. We navigate through setting priorities, knowing when to let go of less critical tasks, and how daily check-ins make a world of difference. As the sun sets on another busy day, we take you on a stroll down memory lane with tales of family walks, the enchantment of Charleston, and the lingering tastes of shrimp and grits, all wrapped up in the importance of keeping connections strong and a biblical foundation at the heart of it all.
Stock Music provided by wolfgangwoehrle, from Pond5
Hi and welcome back to the Pleasing God podcast, a show focused on helping Christians to think biblically, engage practically and live faithfully for the glory of God. I'm your host, jonathan Soule, and with me on today's episode is…. Kaitlin Soule with me on today's episode is Kate Lensel, and you know what that means. It's another episode of Imperfect Marriage.
Speaker 2:You're such a dweeb what?
Speaker 1:do you want to talk about?
Speaker 2:Oh, I think we're going to talk about managing just a busy season with our marriage and as a family.
Speaker 1:That's an interesting subject. I think there's a lot to talk about. Some real practical advice.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, do you want to kind of lead out?
Speaker 2:Sure, I think this kind of stems from just the fact that we ourselves are currently in a super busy season. It does seem to be that every May tends to be pretty busy and so just our schedules are full. I was actually just looking at the calendar downstairs and I'm pretty sure there's just a few days of this whole month of May that we don't have anything going on, when we have a lot of other outside, external whether ministries, activities, school, whatever it may be kind of swirling around us. All good things, but all things that are necessary to get done and plan out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's great and so true. May the calendar is just super full Teaching classes, baseball coaching sports, town sports.
Speaker 2:We're both involved in a wedding next month, so that's taken up some of our time and some counselings and we're doing school, finishing up our school year.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so I think maybe first off is the issue of priority. When seasons of life are just a lot more intense more activity, more running around, maybe more pressure, whatever it might be I think what's helpful is to think through your priorities. You will always make time for what's most important to you, and when we talk about in a marriage, what can happen is, you know, we could just become like ships passing in the night because or we can become strangers that live together just because you know you're running around, doing this, I'm doing that, and how do we, how do we prioritize the marriage relationship in the midst of all the other stuff that's going on? Yeah, I think that's key.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you always say whatever you say yes to, you're saying no to something else, and so sometimes we have to say no to time with each other or as a family in order to do a yes, and so managing that is important.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, yeah, absolutely. It's fundamental to always be investing in the marriage. If you're not trying, you're failing. There is no status quo Maintaining doesn't actually happen. Um, and so I know practically for some of the things, even in busy seasons, are trying to find those moments that we can kind of share together, whether it be like hey, we're going to record a podcast and we get to talk about things together, or going for walks. That's something that's been really kind of special to just uninterrupted, no music, or just walking and talking, walk for a mile or so and connect in those ways. What are some other ways you think about just being intentional, I think?
Speaker 2:We try to do as much as we can together when it comes to having to do things out of the home, but when, say, for example, baseball, we all go as a family and we all go to the field together. We have dinner and then we all go to have. That's something we have to do, excuse me. We all go together and make it family time and I think that's important. Or, like you just mentioned, going for a walk you know that's something that we've prioritized in our lives recently is just our health and fitness and you know that's something that we want to get done. But doing it together kind of kills two birds with one stone, in that we're doing what we know we want and need to do for our physical bodies, but also an opportunity. So I think trying to take those times where we know there's things that we want to prioritize and trying to do as much as we can to do it together is super helpful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good strategy and maximizing the time right.
Speaker 1:So if it is like this is something we have to do, how can we do this together? Or how can I do this and bring my family into? Whatever it is that I'm doing? I've been teaching Old Testament on Monday nights and instead of just that, drawing me out of the home and leaving you there with everyone it's like let's grab a couple of the kids that want to come, and they listened to me talk for an hour and a half on judges last week and they're like that was great, and they're not eight, nine years old, but kind of bringing them alongside and that kind of reminds me just on the more of the family side of Deuteronomy, chapter six, where God kind of gives the well through Moses.
Speaker 1:What I would look at is the Old Testament discipleship. You have the Shema Hear, O Israel, the Lord, our God. The Lord is one. You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might, and these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorpost of your house and on your gate and it goes on from there.
Speaker 2:But just thinking about being intentional, even in a busy season of instruction, of bringing them and all of us alongside prayer in the mornings, yeah, that would be another way of just having a connection point where at breakfast time we try it's not every day, it doesn't always happen, but we try to make a point to sit down as a family at breakfast time. So we're all there, we're all having to eat breakfast and using that time to get the word out to the children and just have discussion, and it's just one of those connection points for us. And evening doesn't really work in this season because we are running to the baseball field or to church on the evenings and so we found for us that doing the breakfast Bible kind of situation works. So I think, incorporating those moments to be able to connect but also do what we need to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, very much. That's so true, and I think one of the challenges is in a busy season is not to allow the busyness to turn into points of irritation, stress, strife, marital discord, just because there's so much going on and pulling at you which it can do. And so that's where I think you know, as we're investing time in one another, sometimes we're depositing that early so that we can get a return on that in time when we might not have as much opportunity for a period in the season.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was just kind of thinking about that, in that I'm the type of person that I really don't mind being busy. I kind of enjoy kind of having things to look forward to and kind of being on the go. I've always kind of been that way. But what I have found in my own life where it can be challenging is because of that, a lot of times the house can fall away. Laundry starts piling up, dishes can pile up, sweeping needs to be done, it just it kind of all builds up and then I start to feel very overwhelmed and anxious and then that turns into maybe outbursts of anger or frustration or irritability, impatience, because I'm also the type that a cluttered house gives me a cluttered mind, and so.
Speaker 2:But I was just thinking about this because this morning you and I were talking about our day, what we all had going on. We had a couple appointments to go to and things we wanted to get done, and I said, well, I would like to get these things done, but the house is a priority to me today to get, and you were just like, yep, okay, we're going to get this. And so I think just having those moments of like this is what's going on. These are the expectations of the home and kind of tag teaming what we can get done too. I just really appreciated that this morning and I figured I'd just tell you now, while we're talking about it.
Speaker 2:Thank you this morning and I figured I'd just tell you now while we're talking about it that it was kind of like we both not, was that your little like pat on the back?
Speaker 1:I was looking for the applause. I hit the wrong button um, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I think just having those moments of kind of running through clear communication this was an expectation for me. In order to get some of these things done, I needed to have the house tidied or whatever, and you really helped manage and help delegate to the children, and it made the day so far smoother knowing that we had tackled some of those things as a family.
Speaker 1:Okay. So first thing we were talking about is priorities. Think through those. If you know, as you're listening and you're like, hey, I can relate. I'm in a busy season of life, I've got something going on every day Start out and prioritize the things that matter and as you get lower on the list, those things that are on the list, if they get done, they get done. If they don't, then they move them to the next and after a few days maybe they get higher on the list. But if relationships and investment in people are not high on your list as a married person or as someone who's looking to get married, or if a family, you need to evaluate. You need to evaluate your priorities, Because if you're saying yes to a lot of things that don't really matter and you are creating busyness at the expense of your relationships, you're failing everywhere.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's definitely okay to say no, it's healthy to say no, it's important to say no when you can. I know there are times you just can't and that's okay. But even today, this morning, I got an opportunity to do something for later in the week and I automatically declined it. I knew in my capacity it just wasn't going to fit into what I was going to be able to handle. And I think just being aware of your own capacity, your family's capacity, husband's capacity, your wife's capacity, is just super helpful to just have that understanding and to be able to say no and be humble enough to say you know, I can't fit that into what is important to me right now.
Speaker 2:Maybe it's not like a humility. Maybe it's more of just a self-awareness.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's a self-awareness. There are some people that their tendency is to overextend themselves. Then there are other people that their tendency is to never really do anything, and so it's. You know, the hard part for them is to say yes. And so, keeping that in mind, which one are you Does yes come easier, or does no come easier and work on the one that's harder for you. Don't overextend yourself. I think practically we're out right now. In this season, someone's out of the house Monday night, tuesday night, wednesday night, thursday night, so Fridays get circled. But we want to do some kind of fellowship hospitality on Fridays.
Speaker 2:This month specifically, we have something either a Friday night or a Saturday night as well this month of May.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're hosting the camp out, right. So that's not a good recipe for normal rhythm, right. But recognize also as we're prioritizing. We know it's a season, we know this month is coming it's really May and June. Yes, yeah, we've also blocked off July.
Speaker 2:And.
Speaker 1:July is a blank calendar. Yes, and that's intentional. I might actually take a vacation. We don't have to travel to Louisville.
Speaker 2:I know.
Speaker 1:There's no going on campus, so that'll be great.
Speaker 2:Though I did enjoy. That was a nice time together to go down there and do that, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So priorities, think about them, don't overextend. But also in your priorities you need margin, and so something that we do is, like Saturday, after like the baseball field, the rule is we don't do anything.
Speaker 2:Well, it's a new founded rule that we've just kind of We'll break the rule if we need to.
Speaker 1:I think we have an outing for church next Saturday, this coming Saturday, but the rule is Saturday nights, Saturday afternoons, really want to do like kind of games and dinner.
Speaker 2:family is to sit down for an hour or two before bed on a Saturday night, after everybody's been cleaned and ready for bed, and we just turn on music videos of worship music and the kids love it. They sing out. It's been wonderful.
Speaker 1:Because the heart's getting prepared for Sunday. Before Sunday, yeah, and a quiet night because I mean, you and I got to be on our A game come Sunday. You had a late night on Saturday, didn't get great sleep, something like that For what we're doing. We got to be on point on a Sunday. So I need 12 and a half hours of sleep going in. No, I don't sleep that long, but I want to be well-rested, refreshed.
Speaker 1:Something I'll do on Sunday mornings often is I'll make sure I get up early and exercise, and just that makes me feel so much better. Going into, I was doing long runs I'm not doing that anymore but just something to get my heart rate going. A couple cups of coffee. I'm pretty jacked up and I'm ready to go. But, yeah, I think that's important. Priorities matter and what you say yes to, you're saying no to something else, and be mindful of what or who you're saying yes to and what and who you're saying no to. So, priorities in a busy season and you kind of touched on it but, as just kind of a topic point communication.
Speaker 1:This can be breaking points a lot just because of just heightened activity and the frustration that can come from just being super busy, especially with one person in the relationship, is like the go-getter and gets energized off of activity and the other person is drained from activity. You could be kind of like two the opposite sides of a magnet, you know, and so you got to communicate well in in that. And that's where knowing your partner matters and being able to read verbal or nonverbal and and hear verbal communication, be open, talk, share. What are you thinking? I'm tired, I'm feeling burnt out, those kind of things because if you're not talking and you're just gonna press on through, it'll cause strain.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know on a regular basis. There might be some days where you, you just flat out have to push through the day like oh yeah, you just have to.
Speaker 2:I felt that way yesterday. Yesterday was a really full day. It was a great day, it was a good day, but it was a great day, it was a good day, but it just was a full day and I just felt like I was just pushing, pushing through to the end. Actually, when I went to bed, finally at the end of the night, you were still downstairs, but I went up, I just could not and I had tears flowing from my eyes because I was so tired. I wasn't crying. Tears flowing from my eyes because I was so tired, I wasn't crying, they just my eyes were so tearful because I was so tired. And so there are days that you're just going to have to push through, but, yeah, on a regular basis you're going to burn out and then nobody's. Nobody's going to be effective, you're not going to be effective in what you need to get done and accomplished, and communication will lag and it just is a recipe for disaster.
Speaker 1:One thing I think you do well is you write out the kind of the schedule in a very visible place on a whiteboard that you know I walk by, I look at it often. That's helpful. That's actually a way of you're communicating and you're putting it out there, so I'm not wondering what's happening this day. Who's got an appointment, you know? Am I, you know? Am I at work all day? Am I, you know? Is there a time that I have to be semi-present, like what does it look like?
Speaker 2:Everything's color coded, so you know who's going where and when and and whatnot.
Speaker 1:So find out what, find out what works for you guys, um and and do that, but communicate schedules, especially in busy seasons if, whether it be a shared. You know calendar. You know through your phone or through outlook or google or a physical whiteboard. But I think sharing a calendar is very helpful because I know what's going on, I know the plans, that you have, the appointments that are made, this and that you know what's going on with me. He's got meetings here, there and so those are like absolutely unavailable times.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I tend to forget things very easily. If it's not written down I will forget. So having that just out, even for me it keeps just a clear head, a clear understanding and visual of just what's going on day to day. And maybe not everything's written on there, but the big things are, and that's it's really helpful. And you know what? It's helpful for the children to kind of see what it looks like to be organized and they get excited to go and look and see what's going on today and especially in this busy time they're always looking for you know who we're going to see, what we're going to do, what we're going to eat. They're all about that. So it's a good training tool too for the family, I think. Yeah, but even just daily check-ins this morning when we went downstairs hey, what do you got going on today Just a morning check-in of just kind of a run-through of the day is helpful as well.
Speaker 1:That's just because I wanted to get pizza.
Speaker 2:Which we did.
Speaker 1:Yes, because we had to make time, for that was a say yes to pizza.
Speaker 2:But also just learning how to be flexible in a busy time For me, I have a hard time being flexible and kind of moving what my idea of the day would look like, and so just being able to go with the flow. And it's okay if maybe some of those lower tier things don't get done, like today one of our kids had an appointment. Well, that had to happen, so we worked around that. But other things like like oh, I was hoping to go do something out this afternoon and that doesn't get done. Well, that's, it's okay, um, as long as the responsibilities of the home and the family are getting done, to be able to be flexible, and that is also really helpful yeah, flex, flexing schedule when necessary, like distinguishing between responsibilities, needs, must-dos should do.
Speaker 2:Want to do. Want to do? Yeah, could maybe possibly do if I have enough time.
Speaker 1:Yeah right.
Speaker 2:I definitely have a lot of those on my schedule most days, like I really have wanted to organize our game closet for a really long time and that's always on the well maybe, if I can maybe sort of work it into my day today it'll get done.
Speaker 1:You want to do it tonight?
Speaker 2:it would be nice, it really needs to get done yeah, it does.
Speaker 1:I don't know if I have time for that, though.
Speaker 2:Oh, okay.
Speaker 1:All right, so priorities in a busy season, communication in a busy season, anything else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would just say that obviously we can make plans and we need to make plans.
Speaker 2:It's helpful for us and it's important and it's necessary, but also just understanding that God is in control and he is sovereign and ultimately it's not about the plans that we make, it's about what his will is for our lives and making sure that we're not neglecting the most important thing, which is obviously our walks with the Lord and which I know in a busy time, a busy season especially for me, with juggling all the outside of the home, things inside of the home, things personal you know health and fitness and you know school and all that it's easy to just kind of bypass the things that the Lord would have me to do Prayer, scripture reading, meditating on his word.
Speaker 2:I have found for me getting up early in the morning and going out for a walk on my own or a run or whatever it is. That's my time. I might not be sitting with open Bible, but I'm meditating on the word, I'm praying, talking to God about what the day ahead it looks like, what yesterday looked like, maybe repenting of sins if needed, listening to worship music, really centering my morning on the things of the Lord has really been helpful and that doesn't make it a perfect day, but it does kind of start my day how I would like it to and how I know would please the Lord. And so definitely would say that navigating busy schedules don't neglect first love.
Speaker 1:Yeah, 100%. Same with me mornings Usually, it's usually once I've kind of had a cup of coffee and start to get settled in, spending that time with the Lord in his word, thinking through the day, thinking through just all the similar stuff. It's helpful, that's something that gets to priorities, that's our priority and our communication and communion with God. And, oh man, let that go and and all of the busyness just starts to drag. Also, I would think of you, made me think of the word of, of not not to compartmentalize our lives. Like, okay, I'm doing baseball, I'm doing midweek study at church, I'm doing and like all of these silos, but seeing that everything that we're doing is because we're disciples of Jesus Christ. So why do we go to the baseball field? Well, we have our kids in town sports. But we're representatives of Jesus, yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1:And I think it's a great opportunity to be a faithful witness in the community. Yeah, for sure. Seeing that all of life is to be followers of Jesus and bringing everything that we're doing, especially in the busyness, under that umbrella, so that hopefully, you know, in times of maybe you could see where frustration might rise, we could put that to death, we can recognize and say, hey, these emotions need to be sanctified because I'm doing this, because I'm a follower of Christ, or how can I be a faithful follower of Christ in doing this, whatever that thing might be? So I think that's super important, super. Don't neglect the most important thing just at the expense of doing stuff. Our most important relationship is our relationship with Christ, because from that flows all healthy relationships. I don't know people that have a healthy relationship with Jesus and all their other relationships are terrible.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I don't know if that's even possible.
Speaker 2:I don't think so.
Speaker 1:So I think that's important. Well, in our busy lives we were able to carve out some time to sit and talk, which is good, and to record. I hope it's encouraging, especially you that are in the grind right now. It's real and we understand and find your encouragement. We understand and find your encouragement. Lean on your spouse, find your encouragement in the word and make sure that when busy seasons come, they are just a season.
Speaker 1:You don't want to spend your life just running every day. It's not healthy. Prioritize, communicate, communicate. Don't overly compartmentalize and stay organized, because the more organized you are in the midst of just a challenging and a busy stretch, the smoother it'll feel. If you're scattered and you're trying to just figure it all out, it's chaos. If you think, oh, it makes sense in my head, take it out of your head, as Kate you said, just put it on the, put on the board, make it, make it seen, make it known, and hopefully those would be helpful ways to navigate busy seasons. Ok, well, before we go, we were doing something a while ago where you would ask me a question that I have no idea is coming and I would answer, and then ask you a question that I have no ideas coming and I would answer and then ask you a question where you had no idea which was coming. So you want to go first?
Speaker 2:Sure, I was actually just thinking about this as you were kind of wrapping up. What is something that you are most looking forward to in the next three or four months? So, coming into the we're in springtime now, but coming into the summer let's just say, for the summer, what is something that you are most looking forward to If you could pick one besides getting a few weeks off in July?
Speaker 1:Ooh, um, that's. That's kind of where I was going to go. Oh sorry.
Speaker 2:I just thought that'd be a no-brainer.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I am really looking forward to rest in a way that pastoral ministry is time intensive, it is spiritually intensive and it just goes around the clock and when I'm able to you know, you don't turn it on and off, right, that's not what I'm saying but like when I'm able to just like know that I have a period of time, like when we would travel to Louisville. It's like I'm absent and I get to breathe, I sleep through the night. So that's what I'm really looking forward to is this stretch of time, and I don't know, I must be just getting older. There's some house projects that need to get done that, like, all right, we're going to be able to paint and do some work that needs to happen.
Speaker 2:Patch up some holes. Patch up some holes in this.
Speaker 1:I mean, when was this house built?
Speaker 2:It was like 1850.
Speaker 1:Sometime pre-Civil War. Yeah, so you got some old horsehair plaster and whatnot. No, just being looking forward to that time of relaxing my mind, but also I've really been working hard on writing and looking forward to publishing my first book.
Speaker 1:Yay, so in the next month or so I hopefully am going to finish this up and, uh, so that'll be really exciting is to get that published and, um, you know, hopefully it'll be a blessing to to some people, so I am looking forward to that. That's a, that's a, a side project, that in the busyness of life I decided to write a book, um, but that's been really a blessing actually spending the time. I'll talk about it more, maybe on a different episode when I get closer to the finish line.
Speaker 1:I guess yeah, because right now, what am I? 40, 45 pages into it, so I still got another hundred to go. If you could describe one of your greatest summertime memories, what would it be?
Speaker 2:Since we've been married, oh, since we've been married. A specific memory or a general?
Speaker 1:Experience.
Speaker 2:Okay, well, I guess I'll answer it as like a generalized. One of my favorite things to do every summer is going on family walks in the evenings after dinner oh, that's cool um, we always do just like a little one mile loop. Kids will ride all sorts of whatever it is that they're riding, and you and I get to walk and talk. They get to have a blast running around and sometimes seeing neighborhood friends and and whatnot.
Speaker 1:Do you remember how frustrating those walks were a couple years ago? Yeah, we had one or two in particular.
Speaker 2:that would just like have a meltdown halfway through, it's true, and we said wait next year it's going to be better. Yeah, they've been pretty good this year this year's been good, but if I had to pinpoint like a one-time thing that we've done in a summer that just was a good memory is, I guess it wasn't technically summer, but when we went to Charleston that was after 2018. Yeah, after your graduation at Liberty.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:We parted ways, so your parents brought the kids back up home and we went down Shrimp and grits.
Speaker 1:Let's go.
Speaker 2:And I just know it was May, may I mean, it felt like summer down there at that point and that was probably one of my favorite experiences that we've done in a summer cool.
Speaker 1:Thanks for joining me. I want to thank you for listening to the pleasing god podcast. If you have any questions, I would love to hear from you. You can reach out at questions at pleasinggodpodcastorg. And remember 1 Thessalonians 4.3,. This is the will of God, your sanctification.
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